On this blog I raved and ranted, spewing liberal ideals about healthcare and war and the economy. I didn't know any better. Things are different now. I suppose a person can change. We may do different things, enjoy different people and hope for a different future, but we are still the same person. We have merely changed our perspective. I am more heartless now than I have ever been. Relationships with certain individuals are meaningless. I can live day by day, and although I think about these people constantly, the fact that they no longer appear in front of my eyes and have not done so in months, I can continue to live.
Deep sadness occupies my heart and mind. Gloom and doom are what I fear. I fear them not because they bring death -- I welcome death. I fear them because they are inconvenient. They do not aid my cause, they merely slow me down. Yet, I do not pursue anything meaningful. My life is filled with goals and aspirations. But I slowly pursue them and often find myself failing -- laziness and fear being the main cause. It is easy to talk yourself out of doing something when you'd rather be doing something that takes no thought and not much effort.
As I write this, I am drunk. I have had five beers and not much to eat all day. With tired eyes, I slowly type away hoping that some magic will pour from my fingertips. I think of the so-called successful people and become jealous at how easy they make it look. Jealousy turns to envy and envy turns to anger and sadness. But out of sadness comes the realization that I do not have to be sad or angry. In fact, I have chosen to be happy. I have chosen to see myself as a success as long as I am happy in the moment.
This is a joyous day. I am the happiest I have been so far. This is not because I am surrounded by friends and family who love me. This is not because I am jumping to the sky with some awesome achievement or wild college-party drunkenness. I am happy because I choose to be. I am happy because I would not want to live feeling any other emotion. I hope you do not see this as a forced-feeling. Just try being happy and you will be. Why be angry? Why be sad? Why force your mind and body to react to tragedy and heartbreak? Why force it to introspect negatively? It is not going to help. Negative feelings add up to create even more negative feelings. Life is math. Positives added together equal more positives. You can't think any other way -- not that I should tell you how to think.
I started this blog some years ago. I am restarting it now to keep a promise I made to myself. For old readers: welcome back. For new readers: welcome to a place that attempts to challenge the way you think about this country, this world, and this universe. Let the conversation continue..
Listening to: Kinky Reggae by Bob Marley
